How NOT to pick up chicks

College is all about hooking up. We come here to learn, strike out on our own, become prepared for the real world, meet new people and date them. My clustermates and I -- being the gorgeous, sexy babes that we are -- get hit on, well, pretty much constantly. Sometimes it really works, and sometimes we come back to the cluster and just laugh at the poor pathetic losers who think that they have a chance. It got so bad we stayed up one night making a list of all the weak lines that had been tried on us. Our experiences can't be too different from those of other girls. So for the guys who need a few pointers in the picking-up-chicks area, here are some approaches that we've found less than impressive over the past few months:

If you come to a frat party wearing a backpack (What could you possibly need at a party that fills a backpack? Homework?), you are lucky if a girl even looks at you. Count your blessings if she talks to you. If she'll kiss you, don't ask why she's not looking at you while she does. Most people actually close their eyes when they kiss, so don't be alarmed. And don't repeatedly ask her if you're making her uncomfortable, because if you weren't before, you sure are now.

Parties are a great place to meet people. Everyone is looking to have a good time. Talk to a girl. Ask her to dance. But don't come up behind a girl you don't know and jam your hand down her pants. She is unlikely to be impressed by your assertiveness and will probably freak out. Contrary to popular belief, once your hand is down her pants, she doesn't have to let it stay there, so try to respect and follow the preliminaries.

Talking to a girl at a party is a good opening move, but pick your time and place carefully. Leaning so that you trap the girl between yourself and the wall isn't the best way. Just because she can't get away doesn't mean you should bust out with your all-time award- winning line: "What can I do to make you have more fun tonight?"

Just because a girl will chat with you online does not mean she is going to sleep with you. Don't expect that she will. Don't be angry when she says no to that once-in-a-lifetime offer. Don't try to guilt-trip her, saying if she doesn't come over and help you out you'll just go get a hooker to do it. That's not ingenuity, that's just pathetic.

If your online buddy has turned down your every advance, take the hint, there's probably a reason. So don't try to be sneaky and disguise yourself as just a friend. We can tell the difference between genuine friendship and just trying to weasel your way into our, umm, room. And just a tip when the girl says she's going to bed: Real friends don't offer to come over and massage you until you fall asleep, then just let themselves out. Let yourself out of what? Your pants? Come on, we're smarter than that.

Not to discriminate based on age, but if you're 80 years old and see a group of scantily clad girls, please save yourself the humiliation and don't offer to help "keep you young ladies warm."

Girls like guys with brains. A smart boy can carry on better conversation and can help us with our homework. However, make sure you have the knowledge before you attempt to flaunt it. A girl's computer is broken -- a great opportunity to show off, but if you're trying to impress her with your computer skills, make sure you actually have some before you erase her operating system!

Be cool. Be confident. But don't think we'll fall all over you when you coolly and confidently mention, "I just want to get my 'd' wet."

When you've been chasing a girl for five years and she's turned you down flat every time, and when you kissed her she screamed and ran away, don't invite yourself over then hit on both her and her roommate.

We know that not every kiss will lead to a relationship, but pick your one-night stands wisely. If you have your eye on that one special girl, her best friend and roommate is not the one to drunkenly make out with. What, do you think she wouldn't find out or that the girl of your dreams would find your loose behavior a major turn-on? Use your head before you use your lips.

If a girl is involved with your roommate, don't wait until she's drunk and he's out of the room to try to convince her it's a good idea to kiss you.

Your girlfriend won't think you're interesting and mysterious if you refuse to answer any questions about yourself. And she won't like it if you tell her that you're purposely ignoring her to be cool.

And finally, if you've been involved with a girl for months, don't tell everyone in your frat that she's nasty. When tons of guys know things about us that they really shouldn't it's a little uncomfortable coming back to the house.

All of these approaches have been tried, probably more than once. If you see yourself in this list, don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only one to use that particular line. Wouldn't you rather we sat around at night talking about how cool you are, and not laughing at your cheesy lines? Come on, boys, you can do better.