The return of butt rock!

Butt-rock: It's hard to define but it's oh-so-easy to love.

With a little bit of butt and a lot of foot-stompin', fist-pumpin' and power-chordin' sexual power, you simply can't go wrong. Butt-rock rules.

Hardcore butt-rock fans truly adore their butt-rock heroes. On her Web site entitled "The Magic of Ronnie James Dio," Dio fan Marilyn Pulley explains, "[Dio] has the ability to touch something deep within the soul. And from a women's point of view, there's something very sexy about a wizard." (See for yourself at www1.minn.net/~mpulley/diopage.html.)

Depending on the butt-rockee (fans rocked by butt-rock), the genre includes a variety of artists. My quick sampling of students' butt-rock picks yielded metal bands such as Dio and Iron Maiden, glam-bands like Poison and Motley Cruee and pure butt-bands like Whitesnake and Def Leppard.

But there is a rift among butt-rock lovers -- a "butt-crack," if you will. It seems that some devoted fans take their butt quite seriously.

For example, upon learning of my plan to write a butt-rock article, one of my Daily peers warned my editor:

"If Mike (expletive) up on this history-of-butt-rock piece, I'm going to set you on fire for printing it and then I'll smear the walls of the Daily office with Mike's blood. Seriously, this is some serious (expletive) that I will seriously keep a serious eye on."

But to that I say, "To each his own butt-rock!"

I grew up listening to '80s butt-rock -- I'm not ashamed. Bands like Billy Squire ("The Stroke," "Everybody Wants You"), Night Ranger ("Sister Christian"), Whitesnake ("Here I Go Again," "Is This Love") and Def Leppard ("Rock of Ages," "Pour Some Sugar on Me") royally butt-rocked my MTV-saturated world.

I learned all the words and all of the moves. Butt-rockers had it all and I wanted to be just like them. I'll never forget my first butt-rock Halloween.

ME: "Trick or treat!"

NEIGHBOR NANCY: "Oh look, Hal. It's little Michael from down the street."

HUSBAND HAL: "Yikes! The poor kid looks like an albino gremlin in leather pants."

NEIGHBOR NANCY: "Hal, stop it. I don't think his parents could afford a costume this year. (To me) Who are you supposed to be, Michael?"

ME: "I'm David Coverdale of Whitesnake, the best damn rockers that ever lived."

NEIGHBOR NANCY: "Oh, that's so cute. You're quite the little butt-rocker. Extra Jujubes for you!"

The timeless butt-rock that ruled back then still rocks me today. I've yet to find anything that beats reminiscing in a U-District bar to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" as I crank out the monster guitar riff on my Fender pool stick.

Sadly, as popular rock morphed into grunge, rap-rock and c-rap, our once-fearless butt-rockers were all but pinched-off. Just like that, epic stars like Stryper, Billy Idol and The Scorpions were gone.

Oh sure, there were still plenty of "All butt-rock, all the time" radio stations, but things just weren't the same.

However, just like any successful bacteria will, butt-rock returned bigger and badder than ever. Nue-butt-rock bands like Creed and Nickelback have taken over where the Forefathers of Butt left off.

Both of these chart-topping bands use the time-tested butt-rock formula to perfection. Front men Scott Stapp (Creed) and Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) lead the way.

Stapp looks deadly serious on stage as he grasps the microphone stand and grunts out awe-inspiring lyrics with all of his might, his knee braced purposefully on a nearby speaker, without fail. He treats each song as if it were the last tune he was ever going to perform. The Creed leader exaggerates each word using enunciation that sounds something like a growling kitty.

Meanwhile, Nickelback's Kroeger also personifies the glorious butt-rockers of old. His long, slightly crimped hair hints that he just might be Jesus. His stirring yelps and muffled echo vocals cry, "Love me, in all of my Canadian butt-rock glory!"

The faces have changed but the butt-rock remains. If the forefathers of butt-rock turned on the radio today, they would shed a tear for the success of their new butt-proteges.

Butt-rockees around the world have spoken loud and clear: "We want our butt-rock!"

And so it is - butt-rock is back.

Butt-rock Web sites:

Dio -- www.minn.net/~mpulley/diopage.html

Whitesnake's David Coverdale -- www.davidcoverdale.com/index01.html

Stryper -- www.stryper.com/index.shtml