Coming out

I was shocked when I found that one of my friends has depression. She giggles most of the time and cheers up at small things, maintaining a good attitude and is absolutely pleasant to be with. I was surprised, too, when another friend admitted to me that he had fleeting periods of depression. I shocked an old good friend of mine when I told him I was depressed. He described me as "very cheerful and even if the heaven comes falling down, you will be the last one to let go clinging on to it." Apparently some people have depression but it is hard to discern at face value what is troubling someone deep within.

Depression affects 19 million Americans each year and is the major cause of suicide. If you have been feeling low in energy or slowed down over the past two weeks, having poor appetite or indulging in food, having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, unable to focus on your studies, feeling that your life is bleak, hopeless and that you are worth only but a peanut, then my friend, you may have depression. It is even worse if you start to think death sounds like a good idea.

Being depressed, contrary to popular belief, is not a weakness; it is an illness, understood only in recent times. It's not like you will get an itch, have a fever, get aches all over your body or even have any sensation of pain. It is worse than that, so much so that death can seem to be a welcome relief. To tell you the truth, I have had notions of suicide. I can think of 101 ways to die, depending on how I want to look and how painful the process is.

In fact, I got to the point when I was no longer afraid of the pain, but what stopped me was a revelation I had. Nobody knows definitely what hell is like and if I do anything stupid, I will surely not be admitted to heaven as most religions preach. What if hell is worse than life and I am stuck there eternally, wishing I had endured whatever seems unbearable on Earth; wishing I were back in the solace of my friends, in the love of my family and my dog? It would be like a one-way ticket to who-knows-where. No, I will ride the waves and tides if I must, and when the time finally comes, then I will take my leave.

If you are in the same boat as me, I suggest that you come out into the open. Tell as many friends as you can, tell whomever matters to you, so they can reach out for you when you feel like you are drowning. Depression, given time and medication, can be cured, although in the meantime it may seem pointless to even try. Do not be ashamed at all, because you can't help feeling this way; most people would choose not to feel so horrible if they could help it. Remember, you have the support of 19 million other sufferers and many more who have yet to realize or admit it.

My best friend said that I could write a book on pessimism. I figured I wouldn't be able to sell a book because everybody has his or her loadful of sadness. I see the glass as half empty all the time. But just the other night, I woke up feeling thirsty. I reached out for my glass and was relieved to find that it was half full, saving me a trip to the kitchen. I was grateful then for those sips of water. I am grateful now for the occasional happiness and optimism that pulls me through.

For more information on depression, go to the following Websites: www.wingsofdarkness.com, depression-screening.org/index.htm.