Attack of the deleted scenes

In just two weeks, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones has earned more than $200 million and a mix of lukewarm-to-stellar reviews. Beyond the money and a few poor reviews, at least the film is better than Episode I (thanks largely to the low Jar Jar factor).

Unfortunately, director George Lucas could fit only so much action and drama into the film's miniscule two-hour, 22-minute running time, which means a lot of awe-inspiring action didn't make it to the big screen.

But don't worry. We've got your back.

In another exclusive, bona fide bogus investigation, The Daily has once again out-sleuthed the competition. For your reading pleasure, here are some of the most interesting deleted Episode II scenes we've uncovered.

Forbidden romance

In Attack of the Clones, Lucas introduces a theme rarely found in the Star Wars saga: forbidden love. As a young Jedi, Anakin Skywalker must protect beautiful Sen. Padme Amidala while hiding his burgeoning-but-forbidden love for her. (According to Jedi law, it's illegal for a Jedi to become emotionally attached to another, thus doomed to a life of playing with one's own light saber.)

The film is blessed (burdened) with poetic dialogue like, "I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me, and I don't like the sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, not like you. You're soft and smooth, making the viewer want to fall in love (puke) again and again.

Lucas is truly a romance master (disaster).

Several deleted scenes complicate the Amidala/Skywalker romance. Lucas envisioned Yoda, the wise, jaded Jedi master, meddling in the young Jedi's attempts to win Amidala's love. The deleted scenes include riveting prose that concludes with the most passionate on-screen kiss ever:

YODA: Ravishing you are today.

AMIDALA: Why thank you, Yoda. And you have an unusually bright green glow.

YODA: Got a tan I did. Working out I have been. Feel my muscles you will?

AMIDALA: (squeezes his flabby green biceps) Ooh, Yoda. You're so dreamy. The way your longest ear hairs curl, you simply send me to Naboo!

YODA: Feel my Force you will?

AMIDALA: By the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin, you know I will. (They make out big-time.)

ANAKIN: (lurking in the shadows) NOOO!!! I must become Darth Vader and destroy you all, not because I'm mad at Yoda, but that was just really gross.

*NSYNC: It's what's for dinner

Another well-publicized scene cut from the final film included everyone's favorite (detested) boy (fruity 20-something) band, *NSYNC. The boys had a small role but advanced screening audiences really loved their performance.

As slaves of Jabba the Hut, the *NSYNC studs are adorned in revealing garb (a la Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi). While doing grunt work for Hut, the boys decide to rebel, using their powers of song and dance (using paid songwriters and choreographers) to put the monstrous Jabba into a trance.

But just before the boys start to sing, Jabba graciously plucks *NSTYNC off the ground and eats the band, one by one. As mentioned, early screening fans loved the scene until they found out that Jabba actually ate stunt doubles.

Dewey as Chewie

Originally, Lucas planned to introduce a young Chewbacca in Episode II. Many well-known child actors auditioned for the role, including Bart Simpson, Mini-Me and Matt LeBlanc.

The competition was fierce, but in the end, Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle won the part, thanks to the tenacity instilled by his constant sibling battles.

In the deleted scenes, Dewey looks great. Think of Alf or a hamster on steroids. He runs around looking very hairy and very Wookie.

Sadly, Dewey simply couldn't master Chewie's emotional moan (something the author practices daily in hopes of auditioning for Episode III).

Jar Jar stinks

Based on a 99.9 percent audience character-hatred rate, Jar Jar Binks' role decreased significantly from Episode I. In an effort to further appease angry fans, Lucas considered the following Episode II titles before settling on Attack of the Clones:

Jar Jar dies.

Jar Jar dies painfully.

Sorry about Jar Jar (but the death threats must stop).

(J)-Lo blow

One of the most popular Star Wars characters is mysterious and ruthless bounty hunter Boba Fett. In Episode II, Lucas introduces us to Boba's father, Janga Fett.

Several deleted scenes venture further into the bounty hunter family tree: Jennifer Lopez is Janga Fett's stepsister, Booti Fatt. Lopez's scenes were exceptional (though they oddly required many takes) but Lucas cut them when costume designers struggled to create the famed Hiney Contour Suits that all bounty-hunters must wear during all scenes.

The saga's origins

One deleted scene revealed the origin of lovable (or loathe-able) androids C-3PO and R2-D2's names, as well as Lucas' defining his source of inspiration. In an off-camera interview, he explained:

LUCAS: Yep, I thought of Threepio and Artoo after burning down an especially good batch.

ME: A good batch? What exactly do you mean?

LUCAS: You know, I grow some pretty good stuff at Skywalker Ranch, the real stiggy-iggy purple shiznit.

ME: Hmm.

LUCAS: How else do you think I come up with these ideas?

As you can see, a lot of amazing footage didn't make the cut. We can only pray that these deleted scenes make it onto the Episode II DVD, but just remember, The Daily told (lied to) you first.