Life-sucking girlfriends

Dear Max,

About two years ago, my friend started dating this girl, "Laura," whom he met in the dorms. Ever since, Laura has been sucking the life out of my friend. He no longer does the things he used to enjoy, but instead feels all of his time should be devoted to Laura. It hurts me to know that he is in a relationship that is depriving him of his joys. He should be in a relationship that is supportive of his hobbies instead of crushing him with needless obligation. Max, should I tell my friend I dislike his girlfriend and encourage him to stick up for himself? What should I do?

-- Miss My Friend

Dear Miss My Friend,

Telling your friend you do not like his long-term significant other would be a difficult thing -- both for you to do and for him to handle. However, sitting back and watching a good friend remain in a relationship that is emotionally abusive is a disheartening and helpless situation. Many people have experienced this dynamic at one time in their lives, either with good friend or in their own relationship.

My first long-term relationship was very similar, if not worse, than the one you have described. Whatever it was that kept me in her vices and made me compromise my independence is still a mystery to me, but it could have been as simple as the desire to be loved by somebody. My friends tried everything to let me know that I was already surrounded by love, as they played a very important role in helping me escape from the black hole that was my girlfriend. One good friend of mine, in a last-ditch effort to express his feelings, changed the words of an old Offspring song that was popular at the time and sang it to me.

Although effective, nothing was more painful than my best friend screaming the line, "My friend's got a girlfriend and I hate that bitch!" right in my face. I do not recommend that type of approach.

I strongly encourage you to confront your friend about the whole thing. Ask him why his hobbies seemed to have lost their importance to him, and ask what he is passionate about these days. It is possible that he has just lost interest in certain activities he used to enjoy, but even so, it seems to be long past time to intervene.

The most important thing about successful long-term relationships is the growth that takes place on both sides. People cannot be truly happy when they are tied down and denied the ability to develop as individuals. In addition, watching your partner grow alongside you is also a remarkable and exciting thing to witness, and is what most often keeps the fire burning.

Explain to your friend that you fear none of this is taking place in his relationship. You do not have to make clear to him your distasteful feelings toward Laura, but, at the very least, make him aware of the transformation that he has undergone and the lack of passion he has displayed toward life outside Laura. But, above all, just let him know that you love him and miss him. After all, that is really the only thing a good friend can do. Good luck and thanks for the letter.