Actions have influence

A few months ago, after a few terrible experiences, I discovered that one is no more fated to end up with the person of his or her dreams than one is fated to live a life of luxury and marry Heather Graham (or whatever celebrity of whatever sex you find attractive).

I decided instead to fill my life with money; maybe it won't make me happy, but at least the rules of attaining money are less arbitrary.

The Bible says the love of money is the root of all evil (Timothy 6:10). This presented a problem at first, but then I remembered that I didn't believe that crap anyway.

Undaunted by hell, I began scheming. "How can I become rich?" I asked myself. Three things popped immediately into my head:

1) Prostitution.

2) Dealing drugs.

3) Working my ass off doing lawful work.

I went down the list, starting with prostitution. I have no moral qualms with selling my body; I mean, it is less offensive than, say, telemarketing. (What is the difference between a telemarketer and a prostitute? The prostitute provides a service.) The problem was simply one of means; as a man, the market is much smaller (why pay when you can get it for free?) and I didn't have the money to invest in an ad in The Stranger.

Drug-dealing is a great way to make money, but then I remembered the only person I knew who dealt in anything more interesting than pot is currently doing time in the state penitentiary. Hardly a place to get rich; my only choice after my conviction would be No. 1 on the list of career choices.

This has left me with lawful employment. Hardly fun, but better than being a whore -- that is, a telemarketer. Also better than being a sex worker, or being in jail. The other advantage of long lawful hours is forgetting about the terrible experiences leading me to live a life of shallow pursuits.

But how to work my ass off? Washington state has decided to fill a $2 billion budget hole with $87 traffic tickets, so delivery-driving is out. I have no "people" skills -- I barely have "person" skills -- so anything sales-oriented is out too. Repetitive tasks make Daniel go crazy (Repetitive tasks make Daniel go crazy). Repetitive tasks make Daniel go crazy. Repetitive tasks make Daniel go crazy) so painting is out. I am weak, so whatever job I take has to require no physical activity.

I applied for a paid summer internship doing "Web usability studies." I thought I had the experience and qualifications. I polished my resume, wrote a kiss-ass cover letter (as close to prostitution as I expected to come) and sent off the materials. I got a mass-e-mail rejection letter. It turns out the job went to a Ph.D. student with 15 years' experience in the field.

This made me question my whole plan. If someone with 15 years of experience in a lucrative field is applying for a $15 per hour job -- the job market must not be good. Maybe I should do something about that.

I was going to write about the economy, but instead I decided to write a lighthearted piece about a poor student's search for a replacement social life; I mean, why depress outgoing college graduates on their last day? They need to have hope.

To the class of 2003: Do something, and do it well. Do something you love, or at least, something you like; the world has too many grumpy people. If you get the chance to fall in love, do it. Take risks. Don't shy away; don't run away: It only takes one person to ruin it for both; and nobody says "I wish I hadn't taken that chance" on their deathbed.

Most of all: Even if you don't give to charity, even if you don't ever volunteer, drive alone, don't vote and smoke in front of building entryways, remember, the way people act toward their fellow (wo)men on a daily basis is what makes the world what it is. Be pleasant, and you are making the world a better place. Remember that every day.