LXG: Not in a 'league' of its own

The very title League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a journalist's dream, full of potential puns and various opportunities for clever wordplay. For brevity's sake, however, I've decided to save all witticisms for the end and just put it plainly at the start: League is a crappy movie.

The problems begin with the premise. Sean Connery plays Allan Quartermain, a famous 19th-century British adventurer who leads a team of legendary heroes as they attempt to thwart a masked villain named The Fantom. Among those joining Connery in his league are seafaring technological-wizard Captain Nemo, seductive she-vampire Mina Harker, the immortal Dorian Gray, a cheeky Invisible Man and Dr. Jekyll (or more importantly, Mr. Hyde).

Also joining the team is the wholly unnecessary addition of American Secret Service-agent Tom Sawyer, as played by Shane West, who you may remember from Mandy Moore's hideous A Walk to Remember. It seems director Steve Norrington (Blade) felt the league needed some sort of gunslingin' Yankee influence to make it complete, but Sawyer adds nothing. He has no cool special powers and serves as little more than Quartermain's annoying apprentice, forming a bond with the old adventurer that leads to an entirely cliche and predictable subplot.

It only stands to reason that such a silly premise deserves an equally ridiculous storyline. The league zips around the world on Nautilus, Nemo's super-boat, jetting from place to place, fighting nefarious criminals and saving the world in a variety of stupid ways. A few major twists are included that, while making the plot somewhat unpredictable, unfortunately do nothing to make it particularly interesting.

The only thing saving the film is the fact that some of the characters can do pretty cool stuff in the fight scenes. Gray (played by Stuart Townsend) walks right through a barrage of bullets to slice through his opponents, while Nemo uses his swords in a sort of "whirling dervish" fashion to spin his way through baddies. Connery, despite being the ripe old age of 72, manages to pull off the role of Quartermain without too much trouble, all the while uttering typical Connery phrases like "the league ish shet" and "the game ish on."

Even Connery's presence, however, can't save League. A convoluted premise combined with a stupid plot leads to one thing: a pretty ordinary movie.