Christmas spirit rock

Ah, the holidays -- that magical time of year when the pinnacle of our shameless American consumption is punctuated by a steady stream of predominantly intolerable music. As the song goes, it's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

But the holidays are stressful; long lines, ridiculous crowds and financial pressures are especially festive traumas to endure nowadays, so why would department stores after my money want to subject me to the horror of bad music on top of it all?

It's supposed to get us "in the holiday spirit," but from where I sit, it really comes down to just being poorly disguised brainwashing.

Bad music compounds all the other stresses, stripping us of our mental faculties and free will, leaving only a swarming mass of confused, twitchy people vulnerable to the barrage of every marketing ploy we encounter between the men's furnishings department and women's shoes.

It's the same reason they put the fragrance counter in the front: to shock and awe the senses, thereby eradicating our sense of reason as we enter their nightmarish merchandising realm.

All right, maybe that's pushing it a bit far, but I've been the victim of run-by spritzings at the hands of the eau de toilette mafia at the Bon Macy's more than once, and it was neither joyful nor triumphant. It just made me cranky. Cranky and stinky.

So, all that being said, my gift to you this holiday season is the gift of knowledge. You can preserve your holiday spirit and listen to festive tunes that don't make your ears bleed.

Here are a few records to make the department store Little Drummer Boy think twice about assaulting you with his ra-pa-pa-pum.

Maybe This Christmas Tree/Various Artists

A friend of mine once told her little brother that every time he lied, Santa killed one of his reindeer. The lesson? I have warped friends with traumatized siblings, and around the holidays you should tell the truth.

So while there are several stand-out tracks on this compilation, including Death Cab for Cutie's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" and "Baby It's Cold Outside" by the Royal Crown Revue and Vicky Tarefe, there are a couple worth skipping. The Polyphonic Spree's version of "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" pales in comparison to John Lennon's version, and upon hearing the botched version of one of my favorite Christmas songs, I died a little inside.

If you like this record, check out the previous two compilations, Maybe This Christmas and Maybe This Christmas Too, featuring Ben Folds, Coldplay, Rilo Kiley and many more.

Music From 'The OC' Mix 3: Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah

At the risk of losing my cred by associating my name with The OC, I simply have to mention this compilation. Although there are a scant nine tracks, which left me feeling a little shafted, Eels, The Long Winters, Low and Ron Sexsmith all weigh in with great holiday tracks. I especially loved "Christmas With You is the Best," from The Long Winters. A glorified soap opera with great music -- I guess there is such a thing as Christmas miracles.

Other records to keep on your holiday radar: A Christmas Album by Bright Eyes and Christmas from Low.