Why I love Bush

Nothing makes me prouder to be an American than our commander in chief. His poise, intelligence and compassion are second-to-none.

Since today is Halloween, I thought I'd write something scary. At first I thought I'd write about the avian flu or global warming.

Instead, I thought I'd tell you why President Bush is much scarier than haunted houses or corn mazes: He believes that he is poised, intelligent and compassionate.

It's no wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are uneducated, wasteful and self-centered. When George is on the television, I have to turn the sound off to avoid bashing in the screen.

He's a guy who would be fun to shoot pool with or play softball with. His down-home euphemisms would be funny at a bar, but on CNN, they're less than amusing.

But to create fear and panic, I am writing today about what is so great about our president. If you have any sense about you, as I like to think that I do, this is a daunting task.

I mean, Bush is Iraq's savior. They have a constitution, have voted in free elections and, with our help, they'll have a standing army in about 15 years. With any luck, our military presence there means fuel costs will have to go down sooner or later.

Thank God Kerry wasn't elected; our military wouldn't have any wars to fight.

Or if the Iraqis won't hook us up with some cheap oil, we could always drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to get an extra two billion barrels of oil, enough to satisfy our consumption needs for 100 days.

We have zoos, so is killing wildlife in their natural habitat such a big deal?

The vocabulary of our children is greatly expanded, containing such Bushisms as "misunderestimated," "uninalienable," and "Hispanically." Obviously Bush was lucky enough to finish school before the "No Child Left Behind" act was passed.

I can feel safe knowing that if a natural disaster strikes in Seattle, the response time of the government will be quick for whites, and all the minorities can be safely crowded into Key Area or Qwest Field. It's precisely this leadership that led to such success for the victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

Since my parents are in the upper-middle class, they'll probably get some great tax breaks thanks to Bush. Because they're well-off, they would understand what extra money really means, compared to the working poor who are taxed into oblivion.

Thankfully, our president has a diverse staff to assist him. Moral, upstanding individuals like Karl Rove, John Ashcroft and Dick Cheney. They represent diverse groups of conservative Christians and serve the interests of every American.

And by God, Bush has used his brand of Christianity to inspire millions to flock to the polls. Because he has inspired these millions of Americans, awful laws, like those that mandate evolution is taught in public schools, may be overturned. Biology classes can be replaced with theology and scripture study, and I doubt no one will be the wiser.

Finally, our president speaks out against immoral research that would possibly cure diseases such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. Since he has imposed his own code, stem cell research may die an early death.

For these reasons and so many more, I love George Bush.

Halloween may get your pulse racing, but this is a different situation altogether. It's okay to be scared for a night, but this is a fright-fest that won't end for another three years.