Halftime shows have it all wrong

With the Super Bowl less than a week away, every area of analysis has been dissected to a point so fine those suave ESPN commentators probably know what color of underwear Terrell Owens will be wearing Sunday.

Play or not, one thing is for certain: Owens will not be on stage in Jacksonville, Fla., come halftime. But with Paul McCartney -- yawn -- slated for your halftime entertainment, maybe T.O. would be better suited for the stage than his Eagles uniform.

We're all thinking it -- Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at last year's Super Bowl halftime show was pretty good. Pretty good, but not great.

That in mind, here are some alternate suggestions to cleanup, spruce up and one-up the halftime of Super Bowl XXXIX.

? Let Owens in on the action. Seriously. Give the guy a microphone and see what happens. If he decides to sing a Janet Jackson piece, kudos to him.

? Or have Owens perform with Nicolette Sheridan. And in a shocking turn of events, Sheridan rips off Owens' top, exposing his right breast. Network executives panic, but appreciate the irony.

? In a performance with Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake has a "wardrobe malfunction."

? Ashlee Simpson performs, gets booed off the stage a la her halftime appearance at the Orange Bowl and never sings again. Her music career over, she decides to sell used cars ... for no particular reason.

? For once, the halftime show gets away from the trendy, cliche, pop star-style performance. In its absence, Ashlee Simpson discusses the pros and cons of selling used cars.

? The Husky Band performs "Bow Down To Washington" featuring former UW and current New England running back Corey Dillon on trombone.

? Local elementary schoolers perform a jump rope routine to Michael Jackson's "We are the World." Jump ropers jump away in horror.

? Those crazy and oh-so talented unicyclers dazzle the audience.

? While the unicyclers perform, the jump-ropers reappear. Succumbing to the pressure of the audience, unicyclers jump rope.

? Mascot football.

? The national spelling bee contest is held with the winning word being "wardrobe malfunction."

? Clowns. Need I say more?

? Mimes (see comment for clowns).

? The circus (see comment for mimes).

? Miraculously, the grounds crew team rapidly transforms the field into an ice rink. NHL all-stars take to the ice for the only game of the season. Hostile fans dump beer on the ice. Todd Bertuzzi charges the crowd in defense of his league members. No one is hurt, but the players threaten to forgo the season until they are treated with more respect.

? Ron Artest, in attendance, applauds, and in seeing an opportunity, teams with Bertuzzi to attack the crowd. In the process, he promotes his new CD, performing track two -- with a fan in a headlock.

? Dog races. No betting.

? Latrell Sprewell feeds his family on his $14.6 million contract. The dinner consists of steak -- coated in gold.

? The Jumbotron captures the scene in Philadelphia's locker room. Owens is in quarterback Donovan McNabb's face, demanding he be thrown more passes. McNabb insists that throwing to a player not playing due to injury is detrimental to the team's success. One minute later Owens demands a trade.

? In New England's locker room, coach Bill Belichick shows there is life beneath the infamous hooded sweatshirt. That is, of course, because Artest dumped beer on it.

To think what halftime could be. Enjoy Paul McCartney.