Some questions are better left unanswered

While you've been trying to digest the news for the past week that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and that ketchup is a big deal in Pittsburgh, the clock toward Super Bowl XL has been winding down, albeit very slowly. The media is in Detroit, the players are in Detroit and the fans are probably checking out the sites of Flint, Mich.

While we don't exactly have the credentials to make it to the big game, we figured that we could at least draw up some questions to ask the players and coaches on Media Day, which occurred yesterday. You know, for practice.

And because these questions will never get answered, we thought it would be best to write some questions that are both thought provoking and may lead to us getting our butts kicked by professional athletes.

Here's what we would have asked:

[b]Shaun Alexander, running back, Seattle:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]So Shaun, being from Kentucky and all, do you find yourself especially close with your mother/sister/cousin?

[HTML_REMOVED]We noticed you have a gap in your teeth. Does that pretty much defeat the purpose of flossing?

[HTML_REMOVED]Does having two first names ever bother you?

[b]Matt Hasselbeck, quarterback, Seattle:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]Matt, you seem to constantly wear a hat -- in fact you are right now. Just for looks, right? Not like you'd be trying to cover anything up.

[HTML_REMOVED]What's the deal with your brother, Tim? Isn't he married to that chick from Survivor? How's that going?

[b]Sean Locklear, offensive tackle, Seattle:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]How's your girlfriend's neck?

[HTML_REMOVED]Are you friendly at all with Jason Kidd or Kobe Bryant? Apparently you guys have some stuff in common.

[b]Mike Holmgren, coach, Seattle:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]You have this moustache. Can you please elaborate?

[HTML_REMOVED]Do you feel that you take better care of your facial hair, than say, Adam Morrison?

[b]Ken Hamlin, safety, Seattle:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]Been to Pioneer Square lately, Ken?

[b]Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, Pittsburgh:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED] So they call you "Big Ben." Did you give yourself that nickname or did some girl give it to you or something?

[HTML_REMOVED]About "Big Ben." Does your mother call you that? 'Cause that would be a little weird.

[HTML_REMOVED]Pick your brand: Schick, Gillette, Bic, Norelco or Braun?

[b]Hines Ward, wide receiver, Pittsburgh:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]Does "Hines" mean something or were your parents just out to get you?

[HTML_REMOVED]Do you find it at all ironic that your name is that of a ketchup company in -- none other than -- Pittsburgh?

[b]Jerome Bettis, running back, Pittsburgh:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]We keep hearing how you grew up in Detroit. As a teenager, would you and your friends ever get loaded and go to Ford Headquarters and yell something like, "Ford sucks, Toyota rules"?

[HTML_REMOVED] Jerome, they call you "The Bus." Does it help with the ladies?

[b]Troy Polamalu, strong safety, Pittsburgh:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]Are you trying to make some sort of point with your hair or is it just ugly on purpose?

[HTML_REMOVED]Have you ever considered donating your locks? We know at least one guy on the opposing team who could use them.

[b]Bill Cowher, head coach, Pittsburgh:[/b]

[HTML_REMOVED]Coach, we've noticed that you've looked the exact same since 1992. What's your secret?

[HTML_REMOVED]Hypothetically speaking, if you were to win on Sunday, do you think you might smile?

These sure beat the questions that were actually asked yesterday.

Zach Landres-Schnur can be reached at [url='mailto:zachls5@u.washington.edu']zachls5@u.washington.edu[/url]. More of his columns can be found at [url='http://zachls.blogspot.com/']http://zachls.blogspot.com/[/url]