The dating & mating game

So a recap on the hypothetical relationships that I'm totally enjoying living vicariously through: You've met someone you liked, and you seem to hit it off.

He asked you out on a second date, and you both enjoy each other's company. You found out not only are you attracted to this person, but you also have a lot of the same things in common. You discovered you have similar tastes in music (you kept out the part about how you occasionally sing Britney Spears tunes in the shower).

You both like Thai food and sour gummy worms. You are both addicted to gas station coffee that comes out of a machine.

Now you meet in between classes; sometimes for lunch, other times to sit and read in the Quad.

This is starting to get a little more serious. You can't keep him out of your mind, and when you do, it's not for long. You're starting to count on his company, and you've made plans to go out to dinner and a movie this weekend. So what's going on? Is this turning into an exclusive thing?

If only things were as clear as they seemed to be back in the day. Why can't life be like the movie Pleasantville, where the guy let you wear his letterman jacket, and if things got really serious, gave you his pin as a public proclamation of your togetherness?

Sociology professor and nationally recognized relationship expert Pepper Schwartz said when she was an undergraduate at Washington University in St. Louis, the courting rituals were much more clear. First, you'd go on a date, maybe two. If it went well, the guy would give the girl a lavaliere, like a ring or half a heart necklace that she could wear around her neck. Next came the pin, and then he'd ask her if she wanted to "go steady."

I don't even know what "going steady" means anymore, but I do know if a guy gave me a pin or one of his rings to wear around my neck, I'd laugh and tell him heck no, I'm not going to wear his ring.

These days, mating rituals are much more ambivalent, Schwartz said, which is why the most important thing to do in the early moments is just communicate.

But what do people say now? "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Not only is that archaic, it's an uncomfortable question to ask. Maybe "pinning" wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"This is the part of the relationship that's fragile," said Schwartz, adding that the awkwardness of the situation is exactly why couples don't have the talk, missing out on an opportunity to tell each other what they really want.

"It's an awkward stage because you don't know what to expect from the other person," Schwartz said. "People need to talk it through, and decide how much time they're going to spend together...what they hope the relationship will look like. If there isn't good communication at this stage, it may blow up before it even gets going."

She said it can be hard to pick up on the other person's expectations in new relationships since the couple doesn't have a lot of experience together.

People usually come to the point where they start thinking there could be something special after the six or seventh date. If the other person is really special, this could happen after the third or fourth date, Schwartz said.

"People start dipping their toe in the water, saying things like, 'I really enjoyed last night,' or something cheesy like, 'My feelings for you are really deepening,' -- anything to up the ante," she said.

Sex is often what forces relationships to this turning point when people want to know "what it all means."

As opposed to Schwartz' college days, when couples would seldom have sex outside a committed relationship, today many people exchange fluids as readily as they would a high-five.

"In this day, you can't guarantee that [a relationship is] even what the girl wants," said Schwartz, who said she's seen a lot of guys get hurt for assuming the females they spent last night with want a relationship.

"For some, sex is a major act of commitment," she said. "For others people will have sex and say, 'That was fun, talk to you later.'"

Schwartz attributes the dissipation of dating rituals to the fact the society isn't as pro-marriage as it used to be. She said many see a lack of formal dating as pulling away from marriage as an institution.

"No wonder no one knows what this all means -- relationships are tricky and you don't want to overthink it, but on the other hand you don't want to open up your heart and be vulnerable if you're not on the same page," she said.