Jobs at a premium

If you're at all like me, you need money. But even those of you who do not collect chunks of solid platinum might find a little extra spending money useful for buying that one thing you've had your eye on for a while now, like food.

Either way, I need a job. Fortunately, each spring The Daily comes out with a complete career guide that will help you in your pursuit of one.

Unfortunately, it's not spring. It's summer. I know this because of a recent attempt at cross-country skiing. It was a complete failure, for the rather obvious reason that I have no idea how to ski cross-country. Also, it was really hot outside.

Having been fired from my job as ski instructor, I set out to look for new work. Naturally, the first place I went to look was the Internet, which offers everything from jobs to Freddie the Rock (look it up on eBay).

The leading employment Web site is Monster.com, whose name makes perfect sense once you remember that monsters and gainful employment have absolutely nothing in common.

Apparently the purpose of employment Web sites is to inform you that your resume isn't good enough. This is easily solved by clicking on one of about 50,000 links on every page that promises to help you "build" the perfect resume -- for a small fee, which you should have no trouble repaying once you have been hired as chief billionaire of the United States on account of your splendidly written resume.

Another interesting thing about employment Web sites is their unique interpretation of the English language. Take the term "student," which these sites define as "anyone who is not a student."

This is evident in the fact that a search for student jobs will bring up results like "Senior Electrical Engineer and President of the World," which not only requires at least three years of experience as president of some other world, but also a bachelor's degree.

You might say that it is silly for me to expect that I could get a job like President of the World. And you are correct. Obviously, I would first need to get an internship first.

This proves more difficult than it sounds, mostly because internships operate on the ancient and time-honored principle that you can't get one. Naturally, everyone you meet will have one. When you ask them how they got their internships, they will inevitably mention something about Jedi mind tricks and an uncle who's a company executive.

Not to mention trying to find useful information about internships through employment Web sites is like trying to interview a dead hippopotamus, except that with the dead hippo you might actually get somewhere after a while.

A typical list of results will include positions that once existed (possibly before the discovery of fire), positions that are located in faraway and exotic places you have absolutely no way of getting to (Yakima, Montana) and "Senior Electrical Engineer and President of the World" (bachelor's degree required).

So after about two hours of searching, I've gotten nowhere except to the end of this column. No job, no money. Nothing but a useless collection of chunks of solid platinum. Maybe I'll sell them on eBay.