Where have all the heroes gone?

I believe that we have come to a very scary time in our lives. A time filled with terrorism, nuclear weaponry and some scare tactic known as "global warming." Every day, we are bombarded with news that the world is coming to an end, chaos is enveloping the world and all humanity is lost. And the scariest part is that there is no one to single-handedly fight it.

Well, one guy can do it in 24 hours, but that's too freaking long.

Back when I was young, I never sat in my room wondering if the plane flying over my head was carrying a biological weapon, or if the water coming out of the kitchen sink was laced with anthrax. I knew that there were people out there taking the law into their own hands and fighting against all that was evil.

You see, I grew up watching Arnold Schwarzenegger[HTML_REMOVED] [HTML_REMOVED] a gun-toting, cigar-smoking Austrian [HTML_REMOVED] fight against predators, robots and the pressures of being a kindergarten teacher. Then I would turn the channel and watch Sylvester Stallone [HTML_REMOVED] the Italian Stallion [HTML_REMOVED] kick the crap out of Mr. T, then fly to Afghanistan and destroy an entire army with a bow and arrow. No matter how strong or ruthless the enemy was, these men always had the last laugh or witty one-liner.

Then just like that, they disappeared. One became the governor of California, the other became lost in Planet Hollywood and reality television. Darkness began to creep into our country once again.

When all seemed lost, you gave us a new string of heroes, but these were not the same. These were imitations. They had superpowers, sidekicks and corny names like "Mr. Incredible." They pranced around shooting web out of their hands and flying about like they were Peter Pan or something.

These "heroes" mostly fought amongst each other, rather than dealing with the real issues. Why would anyone raise the terror level over some mutants moving the Golden Gate Bridge, or a crazed maniac riding around in a yacht and building islands out of kryptonite?

I mean, here we are trying to fight a war on terror, and the new guys decide to fight architects and real estate agents. Great.

The worst part is that none of them know the first thing about being cool. They don't shout out classic lines like "If it bleeds, we can kill it." Heck, they don't even have a problem speaking coherent English.

Finally, there are the costumes. I don't know who designed these things, but there really isn't anything intimidating about some guy dressed up as a giant bat or a fashion model in a red cape and spandex.

You wonder why America has such a bad reputation. It's because we lost our ability to shut anyone up who opposes our view of what is right and just. When the heroes of yore hung up their gun slings and throwing knives, they left us to fend for ourselves. And yeah, we've had some people try to take the call, but a guy who dresses like a Goth and constantly brags about being "The One" isn't going to persuade anyone.

So please, give us another real hero. Fly to Europe, kidnap some French guy, send him to the gym for a couple of months, and get back to me.

[HTML_REMOVED] Eric Uthus

arts@thedaily.washington.edu