Die, Influenza!

Let me start off by saying that I hate using the word "hate" unless it's completely necessary. It's a very powerful word that should only be used in the most extreme situations, such as discussing a sports team ("I hate the Yankees!"), a food ("I hate beef stew!"), or a personality trait about your loved one ("I hate how she always falls asleep during sex!").

Nevertheless, I hate being sick. I hate it with a passion. Hell, I hate it more than Ford trucks, Cosmo and naked old people at the gym combined. There is nothing that annoys me more than either a) being unable to breathe through either of my nostrils or b) being unable to enjoy my meal because it hurts so much to swallow.

My immune system is talented enough that I don't get sick very often, but when I do it's never just a cold or itchy throat. It's always something more tragic and annoying, like mono or a rabid throat infection. You know, the types of illnesses that take you out for a good month and make you want to kill yourself, or at least the person closest to you.

This past week I was hit with a case of the flu, except it basically turned into bronchitis and left me comatose for the whole week. That's right [HTML_REMOVED] I missed a whole week of classes, work and trips to the IMA.

I was pissed.

I've realized that when you're sick, everything becomes more complicated. Even the littlest tasks like eating or having a train of thought seem so out of place and hard to do that you start to wonder how you did them in the past. Illnesses take away all of your energy and common sense, and leave you incapable of contemplating something like getting out of bed to go to the bathroom.

By the way, I've got a question. How do doctors expect you to stay in bed and rest, but drink a lot of fluids at the same time, if by drinking a lot of fluids you have to get out of bed every hour and gun it to the nearest toilet, which subsequently keeps you from getting any rest? Yeah, I'm stumped too.

The worst part, however, is when you have to travel to the doctor's office in order for them to tell you there's nothing they can do. I don't know if it's just me, but when I'm sick I don't really want to be social with anyone. I don't even want to see my roommates when I wake up from my drug-induced slumbers. Yet whenever I have to trudge to Hall Health, I always end up running into 10 or 15 of my MySpace friends. Of course I don't want to talk to any of them, but I want to stay in their top 8, so I end up having those typical conversations you always have with friends on campus:

"Hey..."

"Hey, what's up."

"Nothing much, you?"

"Same..."

"...Cool. Well, it was nice seeing you."

"Yeah. Same. See ya."

The next time you have one of these conversations, take a few steps back afterwards and ask yourself, "What was the point of that conversation?" Because I'm still trying to figure that out, too.

But here's what really gets my blood boiling. How is it that we have made such amazing advancements in the field of medicine, such as vaccinations for some of the worst diseases, yet we can't find a cure to the common cold? Or if not that, why haven't they invented something that at least makes dealing with a cold or sore throat not such a pain in the arse?

I am sick and tired of having to take Nyquil, which is 10 percent alcohol, and hallucinating the whole evening. Especially when it's random hallucinations about some janitor who turns out to be an amazing golfer, but because of his social class the other people won't let him play in the PGA tour and ESPN does this amazing commentary about him, and eventually he gets a chance to play in the U.S. Open, but there's complications in the application, and it just goes on and on.

Yeah, it was a long night. Let's say they can't come up with something better than Nyquil. Couldn't they at least make it taste better? Sometimes, I contemplate not taking medication because I don't want my mouth to taste like a mixture of stale candy and ethyl alcohol.

So if you're sick, take the day off. Or at least wash your hands a little more often, because I hate getting sick. And the U.S. Open.

Reach columnist Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.