Ten things you may not know about the UW

Every year, freshmen's expectations about the UW are broken. Sometimes it's for the good and sometimes [HTML_REMOVED] well, maybe I shouldn't go there.

So to spare freshmen the embarrassment of discovering that our blue books are actually green after they've dyed the covers with a blue highlighter, I think it's prudent to list the top 10 things newcomers never know.

1) The campus is actually the size of Canada. You will not gain 15 pounds. Trudging to and fro on the vastness of the grounds, you will actually lose 15 pounds. Occasionally, I come across the bleached bones of squirrels that have perished in the trackless wastes. Pack several gallons of water for that "short" trip from Smith Hall to the HUB. You'll need it.

2) Regarding water, it really doesn't rain at school [HTML_REMOVED] it "mists." Natives and non-freshies will, of course, know this, but for anyone who's new, beware of the vapors! The closest analogy is having a fogbank take up a six-month residence in the same spot, from November through April. It only moves when most of the students and faculty have gone mad from the lack of sunlight.

3) The UW never closes. Ever. Seriously, during the "great winter storm" of last year, our school stoically remained open, despite the frigid conditions, including inches of ice and snow. Yep, next to the U.S. Postal Service, we're the toughest, weatherproof bunch around. Oh, and no one uses umbrellas. That's why they invented Gore-Tex. Speaking of Gore, we might shut down if Al paid us a visit, but otherwise, no, we don't close. Ever.

4) The motto of the UW is "lux sit," Latin for "let there be light." It's ironic on several levels, starting with the general lack of sunshine.

5) All of the food tastes the same, eventually. That's right. Despite the "many and varied" food options in the HUB, 1101 and the 8, all of your meals will eventually come to resemble Subway, Pagliacci Pizza or both. You'll probably wind up eating a nice, steaming slice of pepperoni one day, only to realize, to your horror, that it's actually a meatball sandwich.

6) Now that we're on the subject of pizza, while you may dislike Pagliacci (or even hate it), you will, in time, come to love it. Like a betrothed marriage or moss on a rock, it grows on you. Inexplicably, and for no real good reason, you will come to adore Pagliacci. Trust me.

7) Zombies roam Red Square on Friday nights. Now, I'm not sure if they're real zombies, or just strange people who want to be zombies, but they're out there, if you look hard enough. So eat that garlic. Pagliacci should help with this.

8) Raising your hand in class, even when you don't know the answer, is the best way to ward off sleepiness. Some of the UW's required undergraduate courses are the size of small nations, and the adrenaline rush you get when a sea of faces turns your direction halfway into lecture rivals bungee jumping, skydiving and shark cage fighting.

9) The UW used to have a nuclear reactor. Really. From 1961 to 1988, the UW's former nuclear engineering program ran a 100-kilowatt Argonaut research reactor. The core has long since been removed, but the remains of the concrete block that housed it can still be seen from the windows of the More Hall Annex, fewer than 500 feet from the HUB. Don't worry, it's safe [HTML_REMOVED] more or less.

10) Dwight Kurt Schrute III, assistant regional manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company, is an alumnus. Well, actually, Rainn Wilson, the man who portrays Schrute, is a Northwest native who graduated from the UW in 1986 with a degree in drama. He's my pick for our next commencement speaker, and should beat the heck out of Norm Dicks, figuratively speaking of course.

I hope you enjoyed the preceding mixture of true and slightly-true-but-really-satirical factoids about our school. Try to soak up the sun whenever it peeks out from behind the clouds, and I'll catch you all on the flip side.

[Reach columnist Will Mari at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]