The future of the Mariners: fast forward to 2008

Time travel is the best excuse to come up with all sorts of great content, but I’m going to be honest — I’ve seen the future of the Mariners.

It is October 2028, 20 years after the Mariners signed Barry Bonds to a one-year contract, and things are quite different. In fact, it is Bonds who starts off this whole chain of events. The rumors on several sporting news sites about the M’s wanting to sign Bonds become true, and this is what happens afterward.

Alex Rodriguez breaks Barry Bonds’ single-season home run record in 2008 on a line drive shot down the left-field line at Safeco Field. Bonds, fielding in left at the time, gets depressed and injects himself with his own tears, which have since developed into highly concentrated steroid deposits.

2010 marks the return of Ken Griffey Jr. to Seattle, where he thinks he will finish off the final year of his career. Griffey, realizing he’s too fragile to play, orders shipments of “Bond Juice”, hits 56 home runs and drives in 130 runs without injury. He ultimately decides to play for three more years.

Adam Jones hits 50 homeruns and leads Baltimore to the World Series in 2013. Meanwhile, Erik Bedard struggles to get batters out in AAA Tacoma ball, and the Mariners are considering trading Felix Hernandez and Griffey due to their extremely high salaries.

They make the trade, and after five consecutive years of losing seasons in 2015, the majority owner of the M’s, Nintendo, decides to sell the team to an Oklahoma City businessman. The proposed Oklahoma City Mariners would be the second professional team from Seattle to grace the Sooner State.

Nintendo develops the Wii2, makes billions and buys the team back in 2017. Safeco Field is renamed Nintendo Park and Donkey Kong becomes the new team mascot.

Jamie Moyer, a professional gamer in his spare time, decides Nintendo-owned Seattle would be the best place to end a career. By now, he’s 57 years old, and his fastball reaches a blazing 48, mph but his off-speed pitches often reaching 20 mph and still catch opposing hitters off balance.

Ichiro Suzuki plays his final season in 2022 — an outstanding 22-year career with the M’s. At 48 years old, he and Moyer prove that baseball is about longevity. That year, Ichiro gets his 5,000th hit and Moyer finishes his career by getting his 500th win.

By 2026, the Mariners are the only team to have never won the World Series. Team owner Ichiro, who was hired by Nintendo to evaluate the team’s progress, decides that the only way the M’s will ever win is if the team is replaced by the Japanese national team. Also, in keeping with Japanese baseball tradition, the team is corporately renamed to the Nintendo Mariners.

Mariners fans all over the world rejoice in 2028 as the “Japanese National Team.” The Nintendo M’s defeat the Puerto Rico Royals in six games to win the World Series. Post-game interviews are entirely in Japanese.

It is now 2008, and there are rumors going around about Seattle wanting to sign Barry Bonds. Well, folks, I’ve seen the future, and this is what a circus Seattle baseball will become if the M’s sign the steroid king.

Rather than waiting until 2028 to beat the Royals for the World Series, I would stick it out in 2008, hope for the best, develop from within, sign star players with morals and keep steroid users away.

The M’s have made some dumb moves in the past, but I hope they’re smart enough to not buy into any of the rumors and to stick with what they have.

Sooner or later, a World Series will come.

[Reach columnist Allen Wagner at sports@thedaily.washington.edu.]