Deadpan Debate: A Satirical Forum

NOTE: All references to religion, communism, cults and the Galapagos Islands are to be taken lightly and only for comedic purposes. Except for Tom Cruise. That guy is just bat-sh*t crazy.

MARI: What’s wrong, Eric? You look despondent. Perhaps the magnificent tide of world revolution has not yet engulfed your suffering capitalistic society?

UTHUS: No, it’s not that. They just took out that polygamist church in Texas. I had such aspirations for joining it.

M: Why? So you could have multiple wives?

U: No, so I could form an all Mormon-girl softball league. Or, as I would have called them: the Desperate Housewives.

M: Uh, OK. I didn’t realize you found cults attractive.

U: I don’t, and to be honest, I don’t know if I would be a good member, seeing as I can’t stand Kool-Aid, mindless chanting and the letter K.

M: So have you been audited?

U: Dude, I don’t do my taxes. I “offshore” them.

M: I was talking about scientology. Auditing is their way of finding out what illnesses plague your red-commie soul.

U: Oh.

M: I don’t know about you, but I find the whole idea behind Scientology to be preposterous. Tom Cruise, Xenu, silent births …

U: But wasn’t Xenu a cheesy 1980s film with roller dancing and blonde hair?

M: No. That was Xanadu.

U: Oh. Well, you do realize that Christians believe some guy just went click and suddenly everything appeared?

M: Actually, “He” with a capital “H” went click and over the course of seven days, the universe, including plants, animals and people, were created. Get your creation story right, Eric.

U: Whatever. The fact is that the myths behind Scientology aren’t that much more farfetched compared to the myths behind most religions.

M: Uh, but don’t you realize that Scientology was “invented” by a science-fiction author and that one of its principle tenets is that the evil alien overlord Xenu enslaved the souls of mankind millions of years ago, infesting people with invisible spirits that lead to illness and general laziness?

U: Come on, do you honestly think Tom Cruise could jump that high on a couch?

M: Well, he has been fully purged of his thetans.

U: Will, he’s an actor — of course he works in theatres.

M: I think you’re very confused.

U: Who isn’t? It’s the same type of cult as Darwinism. I mean, a bald Englishman tickles some turtles on the Galapagos Islands and presto, we get the Church of Evolution, and they don’t even believe in hell. Or heaven. Without an afterlife, there’s no reason to follow the rules and do the right thing, right?

M: Well, shouldn’t what you believe influence how you live your life?

U: Completely. I believe black cats are evil. That’s why I keep sending you black kittens in the mail for Christmas.

M: That explains it.

U: What were we talking about?

M: I’ll make this very simple: Is Scientology a cult?

U: No. It’s just a money-laundering corporation led by the enlightened ones who, in turn, will lead us to greatness.

M: So do you agree with Anonymous and its premise that Scientology is a life-sucking cult?

U: You mean the random people who post hateful comments on the discussion board?

M: No, I mean the group that is trying to discredit Scientology.

U: Oh, well, I guess it’s cool that they’re hiding behind masks, and I was always a fan of V for Vendetta, although Natalie Portman’s shaved head freaked me out.

M: Yes, the Internet allows people to comment on the written work of others without assuming any responsibility for what they say.

U: Yeah, thank God.

M: I understand why this particular group feels like it can’t reveal its identity. But doesn’t anonymity detract from coherent and intelligent argument?

U: No. I love getting hateful comments about our columns. It’s the only feedback I get. How else am I supposed to become a better writer? I mean, I need some criticism, even if it’s my own.

M: That’s you!

U: Perhaps. Or as Anonymous would say, “All of us, yet none of us.”

M: What does that mean?

U: I have no idea, but it sounds cool.