Marriage is the right way for sex

Most of us will get married someday. This future is distant, however, and right now we are in college, a time for drinking, partying and casual sex. Oh, right, and education. Almost forgot.

Some of us have no intention of ever getting married. In last Sunday's Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Maria Anglin wrote a column about the modern single female. She quoted a number of interesting statistics, including one from a recent New York Times poll which stated that 51 percent of women live without a spouse. She interpreted this as indicating that woman are increasingly "... in control of their own happiness, or unhappiness."

How much control any of us have over our happiness is quite debatable, but the notion that being single makes one just as happy as or happier than being married is false.

There is, of course, nothing wrong with being single, and there are many single people who live happy lives. I think, however, that the majority of us were built with an innate desire for marriage, and that it is often monogamous matrimony, not hedonistic singleness, that can bring us greater happiness.

"On average," said Linda J. Waite, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, "... marriage seems to produce substantial benefits for men and women in the form of better health, longer life, more and better sex ... greater wealth and better outcomes for children."

I find additional evidence of this innate desire for marriage in the prevalence of casual sex, which is viewed as a sort of recreational activity. I do not think it is. Rather, I think sex was designed specifically to exist between a husband and wife. It is the widespread desire of men and women to partake in casual sex which betrays, in my view, a deeper desire for a marriage relationship. A guy and his girlfriend who romp beneath the sheets on a regular basis are not simply seeking sexual pleasure for its own sake, but are playing marriage, and doing so in a haphazard way.

"Here," Waite said, "both married men and married women report more emotional satisfaction with their sex lives than do those who are single or cohabitating ... sexual non-monogamy leads to a less satisfying sexual relationship with any one partner."

Former groupie Dawn Eden recently wrote an article in The Sunday Times of London entitled "Casual sex is a con: Women just aren't like men" in which she explores the emotional effects of casual sex on women. "It's in the nature of sex to awaken deep emotions within us," she said, "emotions that are unwelcome when one is trying to keep it light."

These emotions are designed to strengthen the bond between spouses. Andrew M. Greeley, Catholic priest and professor of sociology at the University of Arizona, has come to similar conclusions, believing that sex helps keep marriages healthy by bringing couples closer emotionally and helping them weather life's troubles together. Thus I do not think that sex can ever be truly recreational, for whenever people have sex, a bond is formed, and if people have sex with multiple partners, they can and do become emotionally confused or hurt, and don't know why.

The Declaration of Independence says that we have the right to pursue happiness. The problem is that a lot of things that we think make us happy, like casual sex, really don't. They excite us for a time but then we grow bored with them, or they look appealing, but once we have them we are unfulfilled. Marriage is a lot of work [HTML_REMOVED] very hard work [HTML_REMOVED] but before a clay vessel can be put to good use it must first be cured by the flame. Likewise, those things we work for the hardest are the things we value the most. The difficulty of marriage should not be a roadblock, but should instead be the narrow path that leads to fulfillment and ultimate happiness.

"The misguided, hedonistic philosophy which urges young women into this kind of behavior harms both men and women," Eden said. "But it is particularly damaging to women, as it pressures them to subvert their deepest emotional desires."

This view is echoed by G. W. Jones, professor and coordinator of the demography program at the Australian National University: "The increasing trend towards consensual [sexual] partnering in the West, seen by many as an emancipation from the rigid concepts of marriage, may represent a new enslavement rather than freedom for women."

It is for these reasons and others that I think sex is marriage. Not a legal marriage, surely, but marriage has existed long before there were governments to hand out certificates, and it is this soulful union that is intrinsically caught up with, and demonstrated by, the physical act of intercourse.

With Valentine's Day swiftly approaching, it is time for couples to start their meticulous planning [HTML_REMOVED] flowers, candy and romantic outings [HTML_REMOVED] with the hope of ending the evening with a salacious spree in bed. I therefore urge couples to pause and ask themselves a few questions. What am I really wanting? Is it making me happy? Am I being fulfilled? If not, maybe there really is something to this chastity thing.

Reach columnist Brandon Dennis at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu